Monday, February 13


My apologies to faithful visitors who have been holding out with the hope of a new and interesting post. I doubt this will qualify but it’s my blog and this has been the first opportunity in a long time when I have been both willing and able.

Excuse for not blogging #1
Since December, every ounce of spare metal capacity has been diverted to another quest – the pursuit of promotion. In private enterprise you might channel you energy into increased performance, efficiency and show a bit of incentive. In the Pubic Circus there are two routes, neither has any connection with the aforementioned qualities.

Option one for promotion is to win an internal vacancy – the odds are steep and all too often dependent on other factors like gender. Option two is a shortcut to option one but in typical Public Cervix fashion requires twice as much work. Hence I’m pleased to advise my recovery from gender reassignment surgery is coming along well.

Excuse for not blogging #2 has been a lot more fun. I’ve taken leave to put up the long-awaited carport. I have not ached so much in my entire life and it feels good. The feeling of accomplishment is akin to climbing Everest, the feeling in my legs from climbing up and down the ladder for days on end certainly supports the notion.

Not being a big fan of cryptic puzzles I would probably not have taken on the task of self-installing a carport kit had I known how poor the instructions were. Fortunately the puzzle slowly transforms into a functional addition to the house.

Here is some wisdom:

Colourbond is a weatherproof coating that looks great.
Don’t cut it with an angle grinder or any sort of blade that involves heat – it’ll spoil the finish.
Don’t remove the protective covering until the components are in place. This will reduce scratching.
Don’t leave the protective covering on when installed because you’ll find it difficult to remove from various contact points. (Seemingly a contradiction – I suspect only Confucius can solve such a mystery)
Don’t let the covering bake on in the sun and/or rain. Preferably store under your carport.
Don’t forget to cut the covering along both sides of the metal seam before trying to tear it off in situ.
When resorting to circular saws and angle grinders – remember to remove the adjoining plastic coating so that it doesn’t become encrusted the singed bubbling mess that was your colourbond surface.

I now have the latest colouring effect in protective coatings – the distressed colourbond finish.

Take time to think through how exactly you’re going to lift that 8 metre long purlin 3 metres in the air, put it in place and secure it when you’re at home on your own.

Don’t listen to the little voice that says “I don’t feel like wearing sunscreen today”

Carefully design the mitre joints of your gutters, rivet and seal them on the ground before gently raising the floppy construction to the eaves. It wont produce a better finish compared with working in situ but it makes no difference when the whole thing plummets to the ground and tears every rivet apart anyway.

Measure everything three times and then have your neighbour come over and correct you just as you commence a critical cut.

Keep your two-stroke generator handy to power hand drills etc on the sick day you take to finish the purlins only to find there’s a power outage for five hours (Adelaide residents only).
(10AM Power hotline: No known outage in your area
11AM Power hotline: Crews are yet to report
12PM Power hotline: Power is out due to a SCHEDULED outage. Please call if supply is not re-established by 3.30PM)

Normally conservative measures might save a few $$$ on materials, but after a day of concreting when you purchased all your concrete products upfront, a leftover bag of cement powder better represents $7 you should have put in the footings rather than savings for a rainy day.

Only smart arses know to look at a row of posts and check your work for accuracy.

Maybe Confucius would also like explain why its okay to use an 11 mm drill bit for a 10 mm bolt, but a 10 mm discrepancy on a 3-metre beam, (that’s a 0.3% error) will cost your dearly throughout the entirety of the project.