Wednesday, August 31

Some dude

Last night Adelaide copped a whipping from some of the strongest winds that the Grinder can recall. Bringing home the brand spankin’ new work car was not as joyous as it should have been. The odometer hadn’t reached three digits and I’d already driven it through a hailstorm and a cloud of woodchips scooped up from a freak gust of wind. The handling was unimpressive at highway speeds – again something to do with some dude called Aeolos.

Home safely, I tucked the car under shelter for the night and commenced duties domestic until retiring for the evening. (The true pointlessness of putting a car under shelter that was destined for an off-road driving course in two weeks wasn’t entirely lost on me).

Unfortunately the new pergola didn’t stand up as well as I’d hoped. I was woken about 12:30 by the flapping and banging of something that sounded like it was going to be my problem. I say ‘about 12:30’ because the power was also off at the time.

Grabbing the only torch not accessed by the Grindlings, and hence the only working torch in the house, a loose sheet of pergola roofing was soon identified as the cause of the ruckus.

I stood in the rain with only my torch and an occasional flicker of lightning to assess the damage. One sheet of roofing had lifted from under the edging and was otherwise secure. So I summonsed my knowledge of safe work practices, assessed the risk, selected appropriate control measures, cast all of the above aside and decided to get my steel ladder and fix it myself.

I woke this morning, the power was on and all was calm. Only a felled tree or two on the Grinders route to work lingering as a reminder (There was no other debris on the road – I think it blew interstate). As if hung over, a slow realisation dawned - had I really been balancing on the top rung of a steel ladder in an electrical storm with 80 km/h winds and rain carrying a drill, torch, tech-screws, and bits, fighting with an untamed sheet of plastic?

The news tonight brought the reality of the situation home – about 3 km down the road, Grindling #2’s childcare centre was struck by lightning last night and 10km on the other side of the hill, another house was struck and burnt to the ground.

In contrast, tonightI ventured out for walk, it was clear, still and dry. Not that it has much to do with it, but every drongo who can afford a set mag wheels and a hotdog exhaust pipe is driving as if fuel is still 46.3 cpl with their friggin fog lights on blinding pedestrians.

Friday, August 26

A question for the rapidly aging

With nearly dead tastebuds that can barely feel the warmth in a good vindaloo, why is it that the best flavoured potato chips to me are now the plain salted variety?

Friday night maths for men

Supposition A

"Time and money will help find a good woman"

Therefore

$t = ♀

Where:
$=money
t=time
♀=women

Supposition B

"Time is money"

Therefore

$=t
which substitutes to the first equation, thus
♀ = $$
♀ = $2

Supposition C

"Money is the root of all problems"

$ = √ problems
and from this we deduce

♀ = (√ problems) 2

wait for it - drum roll please...

♀ = problems, or
Women = problems

Note to self - lame gags with mathematical symbols are not worth the effort of transcribing to HTML.

Oz Blog Alliance

I’ve got a blank page from the old blogsnot address.
Anyone tried to bring up the Oz Bloggers page lately?
(Don’t all reply at once)

Those of us still flying the flag, once administered by Mike Jericho, must be either patriotic or lazy or both.

Thursday, August 25

The subtleties of local production

‘Twas that special time of night when the Grindlings were tucked in bed and more hedonistic interests can be pursued for the remainder of the evening.

Mrs G was sorting and labelling yet another set of photographs that will one day make up part of the most detailed photographic biography of any child from birth through to ‘Mum put the camera away I don’t want my photo taken’.

I traipsed the well worn path from the lounge to the pantry o’ love and selected a tasty treat to quell the cravings as the day’s caffeine high declines and is replaced by that washed out feeling that signals impending sleep.

The goodies for the night, courtesy of Arnott’s Biscuits, was a box of sweet and fatty vanilla sticks – no glass and a half chocolate fix, but blocks of Cadbury’s rarely last beyond day 2 of the weekly shopping cycle in the Grinder household.

Opening the packet brought about an interesting observation – the flaps of the packaging were sealed with adhesive tape. Since when do we take the time to individually apply cellotape to our food packaging?



Looking more closely at the package something else wasn’t right - the colourful and out of character box. And then it struck me – it looked the same as all the Grindlings’ toys packaged by enthusiastic cheap overseas labour.

Sure enough examination of the details, next to the Australian company name, Australian Freecall number, Australian postal address and Australian web address is the explanation for the peculiarities: Made in Indonesia.

Monday, August 22

TeleBully

Want Caller ID?

How about broadband?

How about a dozen fancy ways to manage your phone calls with the latest technology?

Get free connection,1 a free modem/handset,2 and 12 months free service3, when you apply4 for our member benefit plus5 scheme6.

1. Subject to very disappointing service availability. 2. This and other freebies are available only to those remaining people who haven’t yet connected and live in areas privileged enough to connect. 3. This service will be promoted endlessly to taunt people who have already attempted and failed to get connection. 4. We will treat you application seriously and give you every hope of feeling part of our exclusive scheme despite there being no change to the local network in the last four years. 5. This offer is for a limited period – we will advise you repeatedly in various forms of marketing media of the next bigger and better offer that can’t apply to you. 6. You need to be told how great these services are and how good life can be – even if there’s no chance your local exchange will ever host more than copper wire and relays from the early sixties.

Sunday, August 21

Nearly done

Just a bit more friggin' painting to do





and check out those sexy lines...

Friday, August 19

Language for men

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome

I've been busy...

And this should be a clue as to what has kept my ISP account balance so low...

one coat?!?!?

Unlikely to be released real soon

Schapelle's new perfume

Reconstituted

I'd like to dedicate number 16 to my manager, Joe.

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has been, but more of a definite won't be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
11. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
13. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
14. He's been working with glue too much.
15. He would argue with a signpost.
16. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
24. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
26. If you stand close enough to him, you'll hear the ocean.
27. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
28. One neuron short of a synapse.
29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he's only gargled.
30. Takes him two hours to watch 60-minutes.
31. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
32. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking