Sunday, October 26

Yahoo

GrinderCom rates 16th mention on Yahoo.com when looking for "buying or selling breast milk"

Yeah, what he said!

While the Grinder struggled to find the right words to convey the sentiment for the Green’s recent performance in front of George W Bush, the Bunyip came to the show with this masterpiece.

Saturday, October 25

Working tonight

I'll be roaming the streets of Adelaide tonight doing what I do. Unfortunately getting to see nightlife when sober, wears a little thin after a while.

The same old idiots doing the same old stunts. Liquor takes away peoples inhibitions or to put it another way - their judgement. What seems entertaining or enjoyable to the drunken masses often isn't for the non-participating bystanders.

Oh well, while they're blowing their dough, I'll be earning mine - double time. Could be time to start looking for a DVD player I think.

Wit Proofing Adelaide

More from my friends at Water Proofing Adelaide:

Mr deleted,

Thank you for resending your email. We continuing to upload more information on to the site, this will be an ongoing process.

I have passed your suggestion on to our technical group. This is currently one of the options being investigated.


Rachel Bishop

Communications Officer

Water Proofing Adelaide


ph: 8204 1285
mob: 0400 114 861


Nice personal touch sending me her direct contact details. A shame Rachel didn't proof read it.

Wisdom

Pessimism is life's prophylactic against broken hopes
Anon - 2003

Though I think I recall the same fellow also once said:
Using a prophylactic is like showering in a raincoat

Tuesday, October 21

Touring Aussies face caffeine drink ban

Well not really, but it might save lives if we did. Presumably while OS, adrenaline junkies are throwing down caffeine laced fizzy drinks before donning helmets and jumping headfirst into reckless pursuits. They might live longer if they just went to the pub, drank Fosters and exaggerated their accent to pick up chicks:

In Berlin an Australian parachutist jumping from a 145m skyscraper escaped death when his chute failed to open properly but got snared on a crane, leaving him hanging 45m above the ground, according to police.

145 metres! As a wise man once said:

Son, there’s nothing wrong with being a quitter.
H. Simpson

Please Sir

According to South Australia’s Parliamentary Speaker Peter Lewis, the use of the word ‘please’ is to beg. “No honourable member in this place needs to beg any minister for anything, least of all an answer”. Apparently it is against standing orders to use the word at a sitting of parliament.

Says a lot.

A suggestion

PLEASE host the Solar Car Challenge outside of the CBD. Those of use who grind in and out of the city prefer the streets to be at full working at capacity during peak hour. Closing lanes for a whole week while a few battery powered toys can role in at their leisure is not appreciated.

For sale

Kid you not; the following advert appeared at the foot of page 21 of today’s edition of The Advertiser. Over a 3” by 10” image of soldiers jumping aboard a fairly serious looking helicopter is the text…..

A COMMANDER’S SOLUTION
The EH101 helicopter:
- More payload
- More reach
- More flexibility
The solution to a complex future
AUGUSTA WESTLAND & BAE SYSTEMS


What, no toll free number or easy payment options?

Another prize

Not happy with posting a website full of ‘under construction’ pages, Waterproofing Australia emailed a suitably unimpressive reply to the Grinder’s comments posted on their suggestions page:

Unfortunately I was unable to open the attachment that you sent in. Could you please try again or call the number below?

Thank you,

Water Proofing Adelaide

ph: 8204 1286
fax: 82042194

GPO Box 1751
Adelaide SA 5001

www.waterproofingadelaide.sa.gov.au

Well done guys, there was no attachment, just text in the fields provided. Keep it up.

Grinder's response

Dear Mr/Ms Water Proofing Adelaide,

There was no attachment to the email. The following text was entered in the webpage on the WPA site. You might want to check that it is working properly.

"My suggestion, no pain, no restrictions to lifestyle or industry:

Just increase the Murray River supply. We’re only using 1 percent of the total diverted water. There would have to be plenty of other savings upstream that don’t impose such a real cost.

For the true cost there can be no comparison. Supply a population of over one million without hindrance, or keep growing fields of cotton and rice upstream!

But, this has nothing to do with rationalism; maybe its a green remance of a simpler life or maybe masochism, I don’t know. I must be in the minority who don’t want to move in to a tree house, cook on a log fire and use a hole in the ground for a toilet."

I hope this is of some assistance. Have you finished constructing the other pages yet?

Yours sincerely,

Name withheld

Monday, October 20

Work experience

By the time I publish this I would have changed the original title because it was crass.

Someone who I thought had the best affinity with my ways assassinated me at work this morning. The person, who I shall call Bob, called me up on a shortcut I had made in procedure, forced me in to a corner and left me to defend the indefensible with the boss at his side.

From this experience I will not work harder, but I will be smarter. I have learnt the difference between a friendship and an alliance.

Bob is master of his domain. He takes a government plated vehicle home every night when there is no cause. He disappears from the office and remains unaccountable, yet is untouchable by management. Brazenly reading the paper and making personal calls throughout the day are his staple occupation. Organising cricket coaching and statistics spreadsheets are reserved for core hours because it can easily be mistaken as work. And lets not leave out using the internet to follow the horses, check tide times and research other personal interests.

How he does it without getting in trouble, I don’t know. I truly admire his achievements. But he is no longer a friend.

Sunday, October 19

Lame initiative award

Today the Grinder ventured into dangerous territory researching a link associated with the recent Water Restrictions bleat. [Don't worry, getting a few facts from google is not common practice for the Grinder when forming an opinion, in this case it was post publication.]

Back to the point, the premature release of Waterproofing Adelaide is worthy of recognition for 'lamest government website'.

Fronted with fancy graphic work and a portrait of our premier, the underlying pages are a shambles of 'under construction' messages. With little content other than a single report and a mission statement, this is a good (if accidentally accurate) representation of the 'seat of the pants' style of the government as a whole. Bravo.

Mobbing, hmm

According to an article in today’s rag:

Malicious office gossip by subordinates, known as ‘mobbing’, is an insidious parallel to workplace bullying. The perpetrators are usually women and the practice is widespread in the public sector. Techniques include; undermining, scapegoating, sabotage, ostracism, sarcasm, and ridicule.

The victims are frequently managers or supervisors and are often unaware of the secret campaign until it’s too late.


This will definitely have to feature in the Grinder’s up and coming handbook, ‘Survival in the Public Cervix’. Proceeds from sales will finance a support program for recovering ex-public servants wishing to return to the real world.

Fame

It’s not hard to tell I’m bit of a fan of Acidman and his Gut Rumbles blog. To get acknowledgement from a blogger whose site meter reads 443,000 is an honour indeed. If even it was only in response to my lame question.

Saturday, October 18

Yeah baby, ooh, ah, tighter, oh yeah!

This week the state government finalised permanent water restrictions to combat forecasted reductions in supply from the Murray-Darling river system.

Here are some figures to mull over:

200,000 Ml is used by the state’s capital annually
120,000 Ml is obtained from local supply
80,000 Ml is obtained from the nation’s Murray River

350,000 Ml is the predicted demand for water demand in the year 2025.
150,000 Ml would be the obvious shortfall if local supply does not change.

So lets put on the handcuffs and strap on the studded leather extra tight and save some water by complicating our lives with water restrictions. But before we all start showering in the needles of water saving showerheads to save a whopping 1 percent lets look at a couple more recently published figures:

8,000,000 Ml of water is diverted from the River Murray annually
80,000 Ml is used to supplement Adelaide’s supply (1% of total diverted supply)

Now, lets look at the helpful initiatives for the bondage inclined:

- Industry can only apply water ‘by hand’.
- Sprinkling systems to operate at night.
- Hosing pavements is to cease (unless hosing up vomit/blood or other threat to public health)
- Car washing using a bucket or trigger hose fitting only.

Yep, and why not do a Margo and stop flushing for ‘number ones’. I’m sure we’ll be saving some real gigalitres.

And another gem, if every household installed rainwater tanks and found an effective way to incorporate the supply in to their daily consumption, (How much would have to be spent on pumps, plumbing, and non-return vales?)

And for the real masochist, there’s a lot of goodness enriched wastewater flowing out to sea. Why don’t we find a way to use this? (Because it contains waste material?)

Okay that should do it. Lets add up the savings for all this pain and cost:

100,000 Ml wastewater reticulation (assuming 100%, single use)
20,000 Ml savings by using rainwater (no, there are no zeros missing)
20,000 Ml* savings through restrictions (I’ve guessed this for lack of anything substantial)

That’s 140,000 Ml at an incredible cost.

My suggestion, no pain, no restrictions to lifestyle or industry:

Just increase the Murray River supply. We’re only using 1 percent of the total diverted water. There would have to be plenty of other savings upstream that don’t impose such a real cost.

For the true cost there can be no comparison. Supply a population of over one million with out hindrance, or keep growing fields of cotton and rice upstream!

But, this has nothing to do with rationalism; a green romance of a simpler life or masochism, I don’t know. I must be in the minority who don’t want to move in to a tree house, cook on a log fire and use a hole in the ground for a toilet.

Friday, October 17

More self development

This is a particularly informative site. Something about ... er ... cruelty to breasts?

More big brother

Have a gander at the site stats that can be extracted from a simple visit to a website such as GrinderCom. Not bad considering its a freebie. Imagine what a bought one could do!

Fame

The previous posting has been referred to the popular blogsite ABC Watch. Unfortunately a link back to this lonely place was overlooked. Thanks for the effort anyway Al. Though I'm not not sure the Grinder could handle the responsibility of mainstream/popular blogging.

Curiously, if you do end up playing the Johnny Howard cartoon, have a look at the player properties. When it has finished, right click in the Macromedia Flash Player window and click on settings checkout the privacy tab. Would you like to ‘Allow news.com.au to access your webcam and/or microphone’?

Taxes hard at work

The people’s money payed for this! (Open this link and click on ‘Howards fantasy’ about 2/3 down the page). It’ll take a few minutes to load on a crappy modem and needs sound, but check out the credits.

Going up

I’ve checked my calendar and it aint April. How’s this for bizarre.
And aren’t those people who catch the lift to only get out on the first million storeys annoying. (You probably have to work on an upper level office to understand what its like when people use the lift to avoid one flight of stairs)

Another favourite thing

Having a coffee in bed is also a sought after pastime.
You’d have to wonder if the little fellows would be more inclined to take a morning smoko though?

A regular favourite

On a Sunday morning, the Grinder likes to settle in front of the tv tuned to the music video channels (with the sound turned down) and read his favourite lift out feature. Self improvement is such a humble occupation isn’t it?

Shallow? Who me?
Just looking after myself is all

What next

Just what we need, SRS protection for computers.

Aren't PCs are complicated enough. It often takes a team of IT geeks a number of days to correctly diagnose and repair these belligerent machines. Adding this to the repertoire of things that can go wrong isn’t going to simplify matters.

How about:
Self-maintaining software?
Better diagnostics?
A typewriter?

Try to explain to someone who has little to do with fixing these things, that more sophisticated means more to go wrong. Aaarrrgghh – let me out of here.

Thursday, October 16

Quote of the day

There's a little voice that keeps pointing out that life is like Westfield. Stuck in an unhappy marriage, it seems that, just like in the Westfield ads, everybody else is walking around smiling, drinking lattes and not demanding ridiculous levels of obligation free commitment from one another.

But when you actually walk through the valley of shadow of the mall, you don't see smiling relaxed people. You see bored teens, stressed parents, aimless pensioners and underpaid staff whose minds are off in a Bali nightclub far away from the petty concerns of any customers' needs.

Beware the green grass on the other side of that high voltage fence...

Nothing to hide

Currently the South Australian government has been campaigning against outlaw motorcycle games with a series of changes to the law designed to curtail their activies.
The gangs have been responding with invitations for the premier to come see for himself that there’s nothing to hide. Blah blah blah

But you know you’re dealing with a serious group when the state president uses the following description as a defence:

"Basically we just get drunk and belligerent."

There's not much else to be said (not without fear of serious repercussion anyway)

$7311.00 Tax free

We'll take what we can get.....
Reconciliation of the Grinder finances for the last year has revealed some interesting figures. The household received $7000 of childcare subsidy, with total cost of around $12,000 for the privilege of having Mrs G go to work for and bring home $20k (net),

Assuming the Grinder's income is stable, the sums for Mrs G seeking part-time salvation at the workplace are something like;
$25 K Gross
$ 5 K Tax
$12 K Childcare
$ 7 K Subsidy
$15 K Net

The costs of running a car to work and other sundries can come off that too.

Random thoughts

Not being able to insert these thoughts anywhere else in day-to-day conversation, they may as well get posted here for safekeeping:

Mechanical apprenticeships should offer an elective subject in Brewing waiting room coffee.
For most of us, nothing beats the smell of brewed coffee, well in most cases anyway. Perhaps the best exception would have to be the coffee at a tyre-mart waiting room. Perhaps it's the clash between the aromas of over-brewed coffee with the smell of tyre rubber. What's more, the appeal of waiting room coffee isn't exactly helped along with the carton of milk left to ferment next to the vintage coffee machine. The greasy handprints on the coffee machine also leaving customers to ponder the exact movements of whoever refilled it last.

While on the subject, here are a couple of my favourite places to be seen drinking a quality brew. Memorable for both the exquisite location and beverage quality:

Gaming lounges
A pokies lounge coffee with complimentary muffins is the bees knees for the genuine coffee connoisseur, especially on pension days. Nothing beats he sights, sounds, smells, and genuinely friendly atmosphere that can only be achieved in a gaming room full of smokers.

Supermarkets
The ambience of 300 fluoro lights, regular PA calls for price-checks, and the sticky plastic furniture thoughtfully placed next to the frozen vegetable section are almost enough to distract a dedicated drinker from the refined blend that only a filthy cafe-bar machine can master. This is definitely the place to be seen.

Workplace tearooms
For those fortunate enough get out of the office and visit other workplaces, there is only one place more distinguished than your own workplace tearoom - someone else's tearoom. Without the safety of your own mug, it is a real thrill to witness a host plucking a cup from the depths of a dark cupboard and give it a quick smear on their shirt. The experience being enhanced by the spooning of a generous quantity of caterer's blend and choosing the youngest of the ready opened cartons of 'dairy product' from the fridge. Fortunately the host has the forethought to use superheated tap water to create a scalding brew that is then gulped down during the awkward silences of sharing coffee with people you don't know.

Wednesday, October 15

Comments anyone?

Comments are now welcome. You don't have to include contact details. Just click on the 'comments' link to view and add your own.

Monday, October 13

Beware the after-hours return chute!

Video Ezy will have to work hard to win back their credibility from this household after trying to slog a late fee for a video that was returned well before it was due back. If not for the being in the shop today to borrow another video (from receding collection of VHS), it could have otherwise been weeks or months before having the opportunity to recall and dispute the fee.

The Video Ezy computer says the video was returned this morning at 10-55AM implying it had been put in the chute since 10PM Sunday, after the 7PM deadline. Fortunately, a convincing story about undercover police seen patrolling the car park on Sunday morning was able to create enough doubt for the supervisor to override the $6.95 fee.

Maybe the video was stuck in the chute or simply overlooked, only to be found and entered as returned this morning. Maybe the computer operator put the wrong date in somewhere. Who knows?

From now on this VHS hiring dinosaur we be confirming receipt of returned tapes. Trust can be expensive.

Find me through YAHOO

Simply go to Yahoo and search on "Isolation Chamber Tester"
Why you'd be doing that I don't know, but according to my visiting stats that's how one person found this site!

World wide library

The Grinder household was thrown into a frenzy yesterday at the discovery of an apparent termite nest in the pergola. A section of supporting beam had been eaten away from within and was rife with ants.

Being a Sunday there was not much that could be done, commissioning a pest controller would just have to wait. So curiosity got the better of the Grinder as the loyal stanley flat-bladed screwdriver was put to work digging and tearing at the ruined timber.

With enough forensic materials to carryout a CSI Miami investigation, the Grinder settled in front of the PC with a fresh coffee and sought the wisdom of Google.

Bingo! The state museum had published an identification guide for the very situation:

Borer holes? No
Hollowed timber? Yes
Presence of ants? YES
Clean tunnels? YES!
Absence of dirt, tidy inside? Yes
Colour of ants, wings? Black, Yes.


Diagnosis: Carpenter Ants making residence in dry rot.

PPHHEW.

Scaredy pant fools

For several years grinder Inc has paid good money for prime seats at the formula 500 and the flyover is a major drawcard. Each time it's hit and miss affair as to what we get for our money. And they do this for the High Court! What a waste! Save the decent flyovers for the petrol-heads who'd really appreciate it.

And don't get me started on the anniversary of the Bali bombing. A sacred day?! Ray Martin is a prat.

Nasty work

While the work server is down, the Grinder will play. One of the regular blogs referred to this article about a school for bimbos and a rather nasty bit of advertising appeared. Hopefully not a sign of things to come. Its safe enough to visit and you can close it when the button appears at the top-right side.

A Kroc burger with the lot please

Aside from the main story this article reveals what probably was one of the world's best examples of a good marketing decision.

Sunday, October 12

Woo Hoo!

Nearly a fully fledged blogger, sitemeter and comment enabled!

Now just a matter of somethin worth saying.....
er.. be back real soon... er....

Saturday, October 11

Suspicious fire at cosmetics factory

ARSON investigators are probing the cause of a fire at a cosmetics factory in the Perth suburb of Welshpool overnight.
Thick smoke from the blaze at the Ramprie Laboratory forced residents indoors amid fears of toxic fumes. Fire investigators and the police arson squad are working to determine the cause of the fire.
"We were fortunate in that this fire was in a pretty resident free area," FESA spokesman Bill Rose said.
"After analysis of the products, it became clear that it certainly did not have the potential to be dangerous." Police have made an identikit of their prime suspect.

Culinary limitations

This morning the Grinder & Co visited the local ‘Rite Price’ food disposal outlet. Specialising in nearly perished perishables, there were a few treasures that made the venture worthwhile.

Loaded up with parallel imported chocolate bars, ‘Deli Style’ chips, and MSG powder (a rare find in its pure form), there were a few select items that despite their exceptional pricing even the Grinder had to put back on the shelf.

The most outstanding item ready to run out the door was:

Maggi Oyster Sauce – 3 bottles for $2
Use by 14 July 2001

Normally the sauce is thick and nearly black, the contents of these bottles had ‘settled’ to a black primal sludge with a light brown watery layer riding on top.

There’d be a good chance of this condiment inducing a lot more ‘light brown watery substance’ from its victims. Mmm tasty!

Have you been told today?

From now on simply direct worthy parties to the insultmonger.

Thursday, October 9

A day

After the chores are done, the Grinder often likes to reflect upon the day’s achievements. New heights, depths, friends, enemies, wisdom, and blunders.

Today, none of these occurred. No revelations of human nature, insults, tricks, or pearls o’ wisdom.

If it weren’t for the few dollars off the mortgage and the thirty something dollars to the taxman, it’d have been a wasted day.

Tuesday, October 7

Explains a lot

I just saw the TV commercial for Extra Dry beer. A guy is asleep while his tounge crawls away to go fetch a bottle from a nearby party.

As the tounge slithered it's way across the street, along the dance floor and into the bathroom where the beer is in a bathtub of ice, I realised something. This must be why my mouth tastes like it does in the morning. Damn roaming tounge!

Progress

Mrs G had to ask what on earth was it in the headlines to make the Grinder stop in his tracks while collecting the paper this morning. The shock was finding a genuinely good story right there on the front page.

'To avert a power supply crisis like that New York and Italy, ETSA will install an emergency backup system for the city of Adelaide.'

After picking the sleep from my eyes and checking the date on the paper wasn't 1963, I read on.

'Work will commence next week [What? Where have I been?] when roads will be closed to install 21 footings for temporary powerlines. The footings will be covered with removable lids.'

Ah, back to the 21st century. If power fails, the CBD will be restored within 24 hours, traffic will reach a near stand still due to extensive lane closures but we saved money restoring the power.

Initiative: 10 points
Investment: - 5 points

Cattle carriers

What is it that makes people think that a liberal smattering of perfume before boarding the bus is a good idea? Maybe If they knew how close their perfume comes to making me hurl down the back of their neck it would be different.

Dropdown oxygen masks might help.

The oxygen would also be appreciated by us air breathers who find the O2 levels stiflingly low during the final approach into the city. Why don’t people at least open the vents?

Monday, October 6

Err what bug?

There have been reports of a problem scolling this site and I don't see it from this end. I've tried running at different screen resolutions and can't replicate the problem. Good ol' IE v6.0 on an encrusted copy of Windoze'98 (as in '98 out of 100 lines of code are bug free') seems happy with the formatting.

If there are any other visitors having the same problem please let me know by sending a message to grinder+at+ihug.com.au with the Subject 'scroll bug'.

Friday, October 3

Ta-da! That's better

Well that was two hours well spent!?
The basic template used by Blogger to shape this page is a beast for beginners like the Grinder to hack.

Thursday, October 2

Not dead
Yeah, okay, okay! Stop hounding me. I know all the loyal followers of the Grinder are eager to immerse themselves in the quality bile that makes up this site.

Back in the original workgroup, the Grinder has found enlightenment in being 'the team member who cares least'. At this early stage the contempt from fellow workers is only just detectable. But already cohorts are beginning to assume that the best person for job is themselves and don't waste time bothering yours truly.

The hardest part is not to quell other's enthusiasm in the process. For example, more zealous members find it necessary to tell me when they're going to lunch, home, whatever. The fact that they're not at their desk is all the detail the Grinder needs to take a phone message.

The real test is not telling these workplace mercenaries to quit interrupting me with their special bulletins. I aint going to be putting out an APB if they don't come back or if the boss is looking for them. Just go away and do your job.

So far there has been no adverse effect to the Grinder's relationship with management. The truth is that by not stirring up dust, doing specifically as instructed, and fixing matters with the least amount fuss, managers are more than happy to leave aloof staff alone.


Stolen from another site (and I've forgotten the link)

Allah's poetry competition:

"Shari'a" For Amina Lawal
Jews are evil, Hindus are snooty,
Christians stink worse than your father's socks.
Buddhists are stupid and their robes look fruity.
These people must be smashed with rocks.

Do not forget, when dispensing derision,
The Shinto and Taoist and Confucianist blocs.
There's so many goddamned Asian religions.
All of them must be smashed with rocks.

Then there's the women, who stall insurrection
With their lips and their curves and their frilly Jew frocks.
You can't wage jihad when you've got an erection.
These snakecharmers must be smashed with rocks.

Homos and breeders, negros and whitey,
Fatties and Flockharts and bookworms and jocks:
Praise Allah, or your heads we'll be goin' upside-y.
All of you fucking people must be smashed with rocks.
Number six is my favourite
Here's a list of the worst jobs in science with its own special symbolic rating system

6. ISOLATION CHAMBER TESTER
"Imagine taking a car trip cross-country with your family. Now imagine that it lasts for months on end, that you can't open the windows, and that you can never get out of the car." That's how Marc Shepanek, NASA's deputy chief for medicine in extreme environments, once described the psychological challenge astronauts will face on long-distance space missions. But hey, at least they'll be going somewhere. In the meantime, we put people through the torture in immobile isolation chambers on the ground. At NASA, engineers responsible for life-support systems sign up to spend a few months in cramped captivity to test their equipment—for no additional pay. In one 91-day test at NASA, the crew re-cycled their urine into drinking water 13 times. But—as Jean-Paul Sartre almost said—forget recycled urine; true hell is other people. In a Russian chamber on New Year's Eve 1999, Canadian subject Judith La Pierre was pulled into a corner by a burly drunk Russian and kissed—possibly, she said afterward, a prelude to rape. In another incident, a fistfight spattered blood on the chamber walls. Perhaps the worst indignity of all? Most isolation-chamber subjects are would-be astronauts who undergo the torture to buff up their résumés—yet none of NASA's recent chamber testers has made the astronaut corps.



Funny man
Talented Tim had the Grinder chortling over these COLLEGE ADMISSION TIPS